Caring Less

Don't let the title fool you; I care very, very much. I don't mean you should not care about anything. In fact, I would argue that you should care deeply - but you should choose those things thoughtfully. I care deeply about my family. I care deeply about my career. I care deeply about myself and fostering a relationship with the person I am, and who I want to become.

What I mean by care less, is that you can't care about all the things, for everyone, all the time. That Sisyphean task is pointless. It's exhausting and impossible, and it has taken me a long time to learn that lesson. I used to care about EVERYTHING. I cared what random people in the grocery store thought about me. I used to replay benign conversations over and over in my mind. I used to go out of my way to say yes to everything and every task. I used to apologize for things even when I wasn't at fault. I used to be afraid to try new things because I didn't want to fail or look like a novice.

I used to limit myself because of all the things I cared about. Eventually, I didn't want to care at all, and that didn't serve me or anyone else well. 

Today, I care, but I'm purposeful about the things I care about.

Should it matter if someone looks sidelong at me in the grocery store. No. I have no idea the struggles they are facing, and I can't control them. What I have control over is how I treat others. 

To worry about everyone and everything. That goal: to please everyone. It is unattainable. That woman, she is fictious. But most importantly, that woman shouldn't be the standard for what makes a woman good. 

I am trying to be unapologetically myself. I am setting more boundaries. I am speaking up when I feel uncomfortable. I am trying new things and immersing myself in activities that used to feel scary. 

I want to be someone my daughter wants to grow up to be. 

I want her to feel comfortable being herself. I want her to be goofy. I want her to be brave. I want her to face challenges with determination. I want her to stand up for herself. I want her to be proud of who she is. 

I want a million things for my daughter. And, I want those things for me too.