Before becoming a mom, I read so many parenting books - libraries full of mommy-to-be, preparing for baby, what to expect books. My eyes crossed and my mind swam trying to consume the endless pages of tips and tricks. I envisioned the person I wanted to be for my child. I thought about all the attributes I wanted to embrace - kindness, empathy, strength, playfulness, creativity. I was anxious and excited to welcome our bundle of joy into our family. I prepared as much as I could. Then one day, I was holding my baby in my arms, and I thought to myself, "what am I doing?" All of the sudden, you're thrust into motherhood. Time stands still as a dream becomes reality and everything around you seems to fade away. I remember in that first moment, I felt as if the world had shifted on its axis. Granted, it was probably partially due to the pain medication, but it was like I had changed - and I wanted so badly to be the perfect mom for him. My whole life, I have wanted to be perfect. Not surprisingly, I have yet to achieve that lofty goal. I was never the prettiest; never the smartest; never the funniest; never the most athletic. I constantly felt like a failure. I'm still trying to figure out where and when that strong, overwhelming desire sparked into my existence, but it's very old in me, and it's caused a lot of pain along the way. As a new mom, that feeling reared its ugly head like a wrecking ball to my gut. I wanted everything to come naturally. Instead of realizing it was normal to not feel things immediately click into place, I again felt that familiar pang of failure. I felt like I wasn't meant to be a mom - and that was soul-crushing. I felt like I wasn't enough, and so, like I had done so often throughout my life, I folded into myself. I believed in my heart I wasn't good enough. I believed I was a failure. It has taken me almost 40 years (and three beautiful children later) to understand that perfection isn't attainable, and that is okay. Today, I have a new goal - a new vision for myself. I am speaking up when I have a need. I am setting boundaries. I am listening to myself. I am finding joy in little things. I am giving myself space to be reflective. I am learning to let go. I am moving my body more. I am trying (and sometimes failing) to drink more water. Being a mom is an incredible gift. It is love embodied. It is fulfilling. It is joyful. Being a mom is a million amazing, wonderful things. Being a mom is also hard. It challenges you in ways you never expected. It tests your patience. It feels impossible some days. Being a mom is perfectly, imperfect. I wish I knew all those feelings could simultaneously be true. You can love being a mom and not feel like a good mom. You can feel like you're failing and be exceeding expectations. You can be happy in this stage of life and also feel hopeless and depressed. Especially as I came out of the haze of diapers and sleep regressions, I had a hard time reconciling who I was, who I was becoming, and who society wanted me to be. I got a little lost. Motherhood is like being thrown out of a soaring airplane and having to invent a parachute as you plumet toward the ground with only a paper clip, sleep sack and shoestring. My point is, you sort of make it up along the way and pray it works out. Did my parachute work? Of course. But did I land smoothly? Most assuredly not. Is that okay? Yes! So, that's what I am trying to do now. I am finding myself. I have found so much contentment learning about myself through journaling, introspection and (as corny as it may sound) healing. This blog is going to be a fun way to channel all the creativity that has bubbled up in me again, and hopefully a place where I can share my journey. I don't need to be perfect. I need to be happy being me - and that starts by listening to my heart and learning from its wisdom. Be kind to yourself, mama. You are doing a great job."
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AuthorMy name is Kathryn. I am a mom, wife and wrangler of chaos. I enjoy writing and storytelling, and I am always on the hunt for a good book. My pastimes include overthinking, drinking coffee and playing golf. Archives
April 2024
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